I'm thinking of submitting a short excerpt from a story I'm working on to Helium, I reread it and edited it a little--but I'm not sure it's at it's best yet! Anyone mind helping me a little more? I appreciate any contsrutcive critism and any comments you might have about it! Thanks!
The two men parked their van against the curb and stepped outside, making small talk as the lone cop approached. Dave didn’t think the guy looked that tough, with his smooth baby face and narrow waist, he didn’t know what Carl was worried about. This guy would be easy.
Ray watched the two men warily as they checked a rear tire. He slowed as he neared them, hand lingering by his baton.
“You guys alright?”
“We’re fine officer,” the skinny one said. “Just making sure we didn’t spring a leak.”
“You sure you don’t want some help?”
“No no, thanks though.”
“Alight,” Ray moved around them, eyeing the big quiet fellow. “Have a good night.”
“Thank you Ra-officer,” Dave glared at Carl.
Ray stopped and turned. The men squared off on the sidewalk. Ray reached for his radio. The large mans quickness took him by surprise as he shoved him against the van’s side, a large hand around his throat. Ray’s feet hung inches off the ground, the grip on his neck tightened. Ray saw the smaller man approaching from the side, a needle in hand.
He snatched the baton from his belt and whipped it against the big man’s stomach. He dropped hard on the sidewalk, his ankle bending under his weight. He screamed as he swung the baton against the back of the man’s knee. The man fell beside him, screaming and cursing.
“Officer needs assistance!” Ray yelled into his radio, “At-“
Dave grabbed under Ray’s chin and pulled him backwards, hitting his head on the ground. He lay dazed on the sidewalk as the skinny man approached with the needle again. He tried sitting up but Dave held his shoulders.
Voices yelled out over the radio, calling for a location on him.
Ray squirmed as Carl knelt beside him, “the less you move around the less you’ll feel this.”
Ray kick up his knee, hitting Carl’s shoulder and flinging him sideways. Carl’s elbow hit Dave’s head; the needle stabbed the big man’s hand as Carl struggled to sit up.
“Delancy!” Ray yelled into his radio.
Dave stood up, “screw this!” He kicked Ray’s head, knocking him out.
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